OUR LAND OF THE DEAD How to be the Alpha in the Midst of the  Omega. Courtesy of the survivalist Gruu   NEW
 

An insiders guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse!

  Brains…BRAAAAAINS!  Hearing that in a dark alley as you’re pissing on a dumpster at 3 a.m. is enough to turn the whitest undies chestnut brown in 2 seconds flat.  Not even the mighty cleaning products of a dead douchebag would be able to remove that stain of terror.  Zombies!  Well, at least that’s one thing you’ll never have to worry about.  Talking zombies. Now that would just be silly.  At the most you might hear a moan.

Wait a minute.  ZOMBIES?!  FUCK! 

   Oh shit, we’re fucked now.  The feared undead plague rising to feed on our internal organs.  It seems like a bleak, no win situation.  You get killed and partially eaten, you become a zombie.  You get bitten, you become a zombie.  Watch too much American Idol, you become a zombie.  Damn.  “But Gruu!”, you ask, “What can we do?  Are we really screwed?”  Well race fans, for most of you, the answer is a resounding yes. 

   You have inferior genes and thus you will not survive.  Sorry, just stay out of my way.  For a few others though, those with good genes, tenacity, and balls of steel, you may have a chance.  Oh, and I forgot one other group.  Hot chicks with big titties.  Even in the face of a zombie apocalypse, you will still have your place in the world.  Though I have a feeling you’ll have to lower your standards.  No longer will you be seen as a walking life support system for a cunt in the eyes of lecherous, rich old men.  You will now be seen as a walking, life support system for a cunt in the eyes of rednecks with guns and muscle bound meatheads with crowbars.

   So, where will you stand in the grand scheme of things when the dead rise from the grave?  Well, that can be answered with one simple question.  Let’s come up with a simple scenario.  Say you come home from college.  Wait, WAIT, before I loose you, YES, we are fully aware that the closest most of our readers at OLOTF will ever come to college is a Girls Gone Wild marathon.  For the sake of simplicity though, humor good ole uncle Angry.  Anyway, scenario time.

    Where were we?  Oh yes, I remember.  Ok,

What would you do?

you’re on your way back from college.  As you come home, you find a note from your parents taped to the front door explaining that they went to run some errands and ask that you make yourself at home and fix lunch for your 10-year-old sister.  After letting yourself in and enjoying some alone time with tube8 and a cold one, you start to cook up some mac and cheese.  Fine American cuisine indeed.  After filling up her Barbie themed bowl and setting it on the table, you hear the back patio door slide open.  You turn and see your sister.  She’s covered in gore with one eyeball dangling on her cheek and a mangled right leg that’s riddled with exposed bone fragments.  She has her arms outstretched and is making an ambling gait towards you.  What do you do?

1. Call out, “Oh my God!!” as you run to her?
2. Call 911?

3. Scream like a little bitch and soil yourself as you pass out

4. Scream like a little bitch and run?  

5. Grab the nearest blunt object and smash her fucking skull in, give the corpse one kick of satisfaction, then grab a beer from the fridge and go back to watching tube8?

   If your answer was anything other than E, just stop reading right now.  If you don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done then you’re nothing more than a zombie waiting to happen.

    Yes, friends, you have to be ready to do some fucked up shit.  Keep in mind though, if the undead are running around attacking the living that means civilization has totally collapsed.  So what can you do to prepare?  Well, having a plan of action is one thing.  That means being prepared.  Like Michael Jackson kept Jesus Juice for his sleepovers, so must you make sure you have the supplies needed.

    First thing you will need is guns.  LOTS of guns.  Make sure to stockpile not only ammunition, but spare magazines as well.  For handguns, I recommend 3 different types. 

	The first would be a Glock in 9mm.  The 9mm is a smaller round but would be good for zombies as it only takes one good hit to the dome.  Nine’s also tend to be higher in capacity.  The reason I suggest a Glock is that movies have made them so famous they can be found everywhere so it should be easy for you to loot spare parts, magazines and ammo.  Personally, I don’t like Glocks, they’re just abundant in America.  Hell, even the gang bangers that shoot them sideways because they are too scared of recoil to hold them properly are a good source.  It seems that a real man’s caliber is too much for their girly wrists to handle.  Which brings us to the next handgun, a good old .45.
	Now, I don’t recommend the .45 so much for zombie eradication.  This is a sidearm for the breathing type of enemy.  The .45 is a proven man stopper.  There’s a reason why it’s still the number 1 choice for this purpose after 100 years.  I recommend that you choose the 1911 platform.  For one thing it’s reliable.  Another reason is that it’s the most popular, making magazines and spare parts easy to find.  My favorite model is the Colt.  Buy American.
	The third choice would be a .357 revolver.  Great stopping power and another common caliber.  It can also shoot .38 special thus making it more versatile.  The main downside is limited shot capacity.  However, you don’t have to worry about lugging around magazines so it can be a bit easier for a practical reload when you are jumping from cars to trees with a pack of zombies on your ass.

I personally recommend some sort of 30.06 to be in your arsenal.  Awesome hunting round as well as a good combat round.  Due to limited capacity of most in this caliber I would recommend it mainly for hunting.  Another good rifle to have would be a .22.  You can use it to take small game and to practice your zombie slaying prowess.  It’s very cheap to stockpile too.  For combat though, now we get to have some fun.
The combat rounds I think you should get are either .223(5.56 NATO) or 7.62x39.  The platform of choice would be either AK style or the scary AR 15.  You know, the black rifles that give the Brady Campaign and BATFE nightmares.  These are common rounds and platforms in America.  Mags, ammo, and parts should be abundant.
Finally as far as guns go make sure you have a 12 gauge.  Fistful of boom stick.  Need I say more?

You will also need a knife.  A BIG fucking knife.  You never know when you’ll have to go Rambo on a motherfucker.  They also look cool	Food.  Lots of cans.  Don’t forget a can opener.  Beating them against a rock would not be fun.  A fishing pole and lures would be a good idea if you live by any bodies of water.	Water gathering techniques.  Just watch the show Lost to learn more.  You’ll also learn how to deal with smoke monsters should you find one.	Transportation.  You need something strong and manly that you can take off road.  A boat would be good too.  Preferably a house boat.  Remember, buy American.	A safe house.  This should be a building you can fortify.  This is your Alamo.

Ok, now let’s summarize what we just went over.  You’re checklist should include:

1. Guns
2. Big fucking knife
3. Food
4. Can opener
5. Water gathering paraphernalia
6. Transportation
7. Alamo

   Sweet evil Jesus, you may be thinking there’s no way you can get all of this crap.  That’s ok.  If you have number 1, then you can get numbers 2-7.  If you don’t have number 1 that’s ok too.  Just make friends with someone that has guns.  Like a redneck or survivalist or me.  Just make sure they really like you.  Invite them over to fuck your hot 19-year-old sister if you have to.

  Now that we have the supplies we need, we need some tactics.  This can vary widely depending on your location.  I’m sure Survivor Happy will be more than glad to give some great advice on this so I’ll just cover some basics.

   You will need a party.  No, not the kind you have when you run a train on some passed out slut, but a group of survivors to hang out with.  In the early stages you definitely want to keep things small.  No more than 8 people. Remember any one in your party is potential zombie.  You can always expand later.  Trust me, the Republic of Gruu will have plenty of slave labor.  When the shit first hits the fan though, you want to be small and mobile.  It also helps if you hate at least a couple of people in your party.  If you ever find yourself in a jam you may need to shoot one of them in the kneecaps to buy yourself some time to escape while the zombies are eating them.  It’s much easier to make an asshole take one for the team than a buddy.  Make sure to keep at least 1 hot chick in the party too.  You’ll want plenty of poon in a post-apocalyptic world.  You’ll also want to spread your genes and rub it your buddies faces that your nailing the only surviving hot chick in the states or maybe the world.

    There is one important thing you’ll have to get rid of though and that’s your sense of morality.  To survive, you have to be a dick.  Feeling horny?  Well, if you have the guns, you can have your way with any hot survivors you pick up.  Hey, it’s the collapse of civilization, only the strong survive.  Some 8 year old is eating the last can of Spam?  Bitch slap the little fucker and take it from him.  If he cries, call him a little bitch.  Remember, it’s the collapse of civilization.  You probably won’t have the luxury of starting a farm so be prepared to turn your survivor party into a raiding party.   If you are able to get a boat like I suggested, think pirate.  If you don’t have a boat, shoot the asshole that does and take his boat. 

  Collapse of civilization.  I know it’s hard, but it must be done.  You can do this even if you’re religious.  Just remember, if the dead are rising from the grave and attacking the living, then God has turned his back on you.  If someone in your party gets bit, shoot them in the fucking face with no talking.  You must be ruthless.  Be the Alpha.  If you get bit and no one sees, then don’t tell them.  Hide the wound.  Just think of it this way.  When you turn and attack your group if they put you down, then you have done them a favor and made them tougher.  If you devour them all, then you did humanity a favor because they were too weak, they’re not Alpha.

  Keep one thing in mind when you’re sitting in your stronghold.  Always have a way out.  Sure, living underground can be a good idea.  What happens if the undead get inside though?  Yep, you’d be fucked.  Like prison, no spit for lube fucked.

   Well boys and girls, I have armed you with a little bit of information.  If you have the balls to make it and survive, just head to Montana.  Especially if you’re a hot chick with big titties.  Happy and I will be there waiting to start our new order.  In the mean time, we’ll be stocking our cabin and waiting for the end of the world. 

Strong holds and your promised land Courtesy of  Military strategist Happy

   Some of you may think that you can fortify your houses for the upcoming horde but that’s a load of shit. If you’re dumb enough to stick around then your fucking dumb enough to be eaten.

Titty fucking Christ! This is some heavy shit but you need a place to go, think higher ground, think your promised land, your Alamo, whether that be a warehouse or some kind of industrial facility or your local Wal-Mart. (I would not recommend Wal-Mart as even in the face of the zombie apocalypse they may still be open. Besides, way too many windows.)  That feeling eating away at the pit of your stomach is not fear; it’s telling you to move you must act now. You need to get there and get there quickly. Very few entrances and exits are the key. If you arrive to your destination and it has already been accosted by someone else feel free to take control. It is time for a coup d’etat. This is your promise land and the deed is that gun in your hand. Once this is done and you are in control and if you already have a party of 8 it might be time to kill some people start with oldest first unless you are the oldest then just shoot someone at random. Your future peasants must fear you almost as much as the fear of being eaten alive and you must keep the party small at first. The more people, the more noise and the more noise, the more zombies.  Another important thing to remember is that with the outbreak comes a total break down of civilization. This means no refrigeration, no electricity and no running water. This is Mad Max and the thunder dome without Mel Gibson. Holy fuck!

Now that I have my promised land, what do I do next?

1. Secure all entrances and exit, windows included.
2. Plan an escape, should shit hit the fan.
3. Plan an alternate escape should the first plan go south.
4. Get a full count of ammunition and guns.
5. Pick a second in command and then have him pick an assistant and equip them with some hand guns. This is important because you must have someone to watch your back when you are sleeping or someone from your party might plan a coo.
6. Scour your new building for anything that could be used as weapons. Give the Melee weapons to the people you dislike most.
7. If there is running water fill up whatever you can. You will need lots of water to survive.
8. Get a full count of your rations and figure out how long your group can survive on what you have. If there is not enough food prove you are Alpha and kill your weakest link and eat them the first week.
9. Select a corner of the warehouse to use as a latrine. Even in the face of the Zombie apocalypse, when nature calls you must answer.
10.  If your stronghold is fenced in, select a spot close to an entrance and plant a vegetable garden. This could be your saving grace.

Fortifying your Zion!

Securing your Alamo from the dead is similar to securing your house against the living. Think things through and try to plan for all situations that could occur during an attack. Having some dogs could help as these are as loyal a soldier as any. They will die for you. The only drawback is that they bark and again the more noise, the more zombies and the idea is to appear as if no life exists inside your walls. Chairs, desks, bookshelves and industrial machinery are good for fortifying doors. They will not keep ghouls from making entry but they might buy you the extra few seconds you need to execute your plan of escape. Control is the key. It would also be a wise move to make all sleeping quarters of your party in the same room no farther than ear shot away. Sleep in shifts even if you haven’t seen a zombie in months; you must be prepared for an attack at any given time night or day. Zombies do not sleep!  As the great Max Brooks once said No place is safe, only safer.

The zombies are attacking, what now?

This is it! This is what you have been waiting for. Do not hesitate. You must act immediately. If the ghouls have gained entry and you have only seconds to react then you must step up to the plate. Grab the nearest zombie repellent and immediately make contact with your number 1 and 2. They should already know your escape plan by heart if one of them hesitates or begins to break down in fear, shoot him in the knee cap and make him your reclamation. Should this occur and you escape without being infected your next move should be to acquire another promised land. Only the strong survive!

In closing another reminder, the outbreak will not end and in all likelihood you will be eaten, the army will not save you and the divine hand of god will not shield you. You will be faced with many tough decisions and you will have to do a lot of shitty things. Morals will be your downfall and the amoral shall dominate. Your money will serve only one purpose to remove the clump of shit from between your ass cheeks. There will be no economy, no gas, no internet (fuck!), and no free porn (I give up!) and no government. Your only hope is war profiteering .   

Remember to head to Montana to OLOTF's compound. Emperor Gruu and  Führer Happy will be waiting with open arms and loaded shotguns.

To be continued....... 

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PORN: the good, the bad, and the ugly (two men's journey into the world of debauchery)

Courtesy of the Reverend Gruu & the Astrophysicist  Happy NEW

  Ah, the internet.  You can do so much with it.  Want to get a degree?  Click a button.  Want to donate money to starving, godless, dark-skinned heathens in Zimbabwe?  Click a button.  Hell, you can even become an ordained minister online.  Which reminds me, I would appreciate it if from here on out you refer to me as the “Reverend Gruu.”   

  There’s one item though that garners the most attention on the internet.  Is it what our elected officials blow our tax dollars on?  No, Scooter, not by a long shot.  It’s porn.  I mean really, who cares about some dickhead spewing nonsense when you can see some blonde, augmented bimbo getting hosed down with the genetic code of Petey North?  Yeah, our country is fucked. The adult film industry brings in an average of $13 Billion a year.  That’s BILLION with a “B”.  The government hasn’t even spent that much of the trillion dollar stimulus yet.  Holy fuck, I’m in the wrong business.  But, given some of the occupational hazards, I’ll stick with finding quick and easy ways to fulfill my habits that don’t include the risks of catching the ninja, or some nasty sores.

    Back to the topic at hand.  Porn.  You know it, I know it.  We all love it.  One of the biggest boons to married men and losers everywhere in those lonely hours has been the advent of free porn.  Holy shit!  For real, I can’t think of a better invention than the desktop computer and a broadband connection streaming 18-year-old sluts getting nailed up the ass by some dude covered in tattoos that doesn’t even bother to use lube.  If he’s nice, he may spit.  With just a few clicks and a strategically placed box of tissues you can turn your home office PC into your personal whack station. 

God gave us the internet and free porn, and all was well.  Then Satan gave us pop ups and blind links and shitty connections and computer virus’.  Satan’s an asshole.  I know that I am not alone in being thankful that we have faster connections than we had 10 years ago.  Remember waiting 15 minutes to download a 15 second clip?  Talk about the fucking dark ages.  In this day and age of instant gratification porn leads the way. Unfortunately with any good idea, there is always a downside.  Think women’s lib.  I digress.  Good old fashion porn is the meat and potatoes of the industry.  I am a meat and potatoes kind of guy.  You know, one dude reaming 1 girl, some girl on girl, hot, big, fake, bouncing titties.  Throw in a beer and a turkey sandwich and I’m good to go..   However, some people like to reinvent the wheel.  They want to see the girl dp a couple of taters.  Fucking sickos.

Yes, Happy and I have noticed a disturbing trend in free porn.  Trust me, if we say it’s sick shit, it’s fucking sick shit.  Sometimes literally.  T-girl, for instance, should not be in any man’s vocabulary.  Sadly though, the average porn enthusiast will end up discovering what this is.  One wrong click and buster, you’ll be in for a surprise.  People should not have to do a fact-finding report on their porn.

   Play Happy's

Guess the Tranny game

Can you guess which of the beautiful girls below has a cock that would put yours to shame? Guess correctly and win a prize

CHOOSE WISELY

I am so sick and fucking tired of looking for some good Asian fuck flicks and having this tranny shit get thrown in the mix.  These freaks of nature are getting mixed in with the straight porn!  For fucks sake, how does some dude with implants getting boned up the ass by another dude get lumped in with straight porn?!  If I wanted to jerk off to a man with tits I would download some Nancy Pelosi schoolgirl pics.  Speaking of shriveled, saggy beasts, quit uploading and distributing the granny gangbang videos!  I don’t want to see a god damned rugby team running a train on some poor octogenarian. “African wife poop” should not be among the results when I type, “dirty fucking whore wife gets what she fucking deserves” into the search bar.  I wish I was making this up, but I’m not.  People that get off watching others take a dump should be hanged in public.  Cum dumpster I can see, shit can is a no go.  In fact, it’s due to “bad porn” that I giggle when I am in a department store and see the “water sports” section.  My poor little mind.

      Consider this a call to arms.  Stop uploading “bad porn.”  Tranny porn does not go in the straight section.  Anal creampies are disgusting, eating them should be a felonious crime.  Taking a shit on a plate and using another human being’s tongue as toilet paper is not erotic.  BBW gangbangs are entertaining, granny gangbangs are not.  And please, for the love of god and all things holy, upload more videos of midgets nailing lactating pregnant chicks that are dressed like rodeo clowns.  I just can’t get enough of that shit.

Happy's free porn links: Tube8.com Myfreepaysite.com Empflix.com TNAflix.com Youporn.com Xhamster.com Freeones.com  

Happy tests these sites daily to insure his 100% whacktastic guarantee!

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Why the Police Beat You  Courtesy of the Angry Gruu

            Ah, the police, the buck bruisers that enforce the law of the land.  These guys and a few women (most of which are not built to fight, much less with a man twice her size, CLICK HERE FOR PROOF)  are there, at least in theory, to keep you and I safe.  Their life is on the line every day they button up their uniform.  There is always the chance for violence.  Some of them like it I’m sure.

            It’s kind of hard to imagine the mentality of one that chooses this as a profession.  To try and help I’m going to do my best to paint a picture for you.  These are some of the realities that your average cop on the street faces (he might be the equivalent of a soldier in the mob) on a day-to-day basis.  Ok, this is a job where a lot of the people you are supposed to help don’t like you.  They laugh at you, try to avoid you, or else go out of their way to get your attention, though they still mock you when your back is turned.  You patrol the same area every day.  See the same shit every day.  Basically, you’re out looking for trouble.  And if you do get a call to go somewhere, you can bet your ass that it’s not to offer you a platter of donuts. 

Well, sorry, I couldn’t resist.  Anyway, a cop does not have a good day.  Getting calls to go to the same house where the same husband beats the same woman every week can’t possibly put you in a good mood.  The suck to good ratio gets even worse the lower the average income of the demographic you protect.  And let’s not forget there’s always the chance you could get shot, stabbed, or run over by some drunk as you’re walking to the car to give a ticket to the asshole in a black extended cab that was doing 30 over the speed limit while hauling some form of livestock to either the auction, or the scene of his new movie.  Yeah, and the pay is really shit compared to the risks.  Oh, I almost forgot, the most important thing to remember is this; they volunteer for this job.

So yeah, after countless days of looking for crack heads, chasing kids on skateboards, and having some plastered bitch that’s as ugly as fuck pie try to suck her way out of that DWI, your fuse might get kind of short.  It’s no secret that the cop will have the final say, one way or the other.  One of the great things about this information age we live in is that not much remains a mystery.  Ever wanted to see what goes on at a real swinger party, or how to treat a man infection, or to see a dwarf get tossed?  Well, the Internet will show you.  With just a few keystrokes and clever mouse clicks you can learn damned near anything you want to.  From Hitler to Hannah Montana, it’s out there waiting for a few key words from you in your search bar. 

With all the voyeurism out there it’s no surprise that police footage is readily available for the teaming masses.  Some of it is disgusting, and some of it is fucking hilarious.  These videos have also helped to firmly ingrain two words into the collective vocabulary of humanity as a whole; Police Brutality.

Yes, ever since King got beaten to a bloody pulp, videos of police officers beating the living shit out of citizens that run away from them have become a staple of American TV.  Personally, I think it’s great entertainment.  A lot of the ass whoopings can be avoided though.  Let’s examine a few things that will give them greater cause to stomp you on the street.     

For some reason people like to be noticed.  For some this may be the badass factor.  The simple truth is that having a tattooed white trash or a keep honking, I’m reloading bumper sticker is like waving a red flag in front of the proverbial bull.  Your clever statements that are being made via automobile decals have piqued their interest and they are just waiting for you to fuck up.  You’ve already helped them form a mental image of yourself in their minds and they are just looking for a reason to unleash their baton in a fury of righteousness.

This can encompass several acts from getting in a cops’ face, to getting really trashed and going for a taco run at 2 a.m.  Sometimes getting hammered can lead up to getting in a law enforcement officer’s face.  Either way, you are bringing it on yourself.  You can cry about your rights on the street all you want, but that won’t stop them from turning you into street pizza or adding some lead to your diet.  Just bite your tongue and argue about it in court.  They HAVE to behave there.

Everyone fucks up, that’s why half of us are born.  Something that seems like a great idea may not seem so great once you face the consequences of your actions.  Police officers are people too.  They can make mistakes.  Like you and I, they can also have a bad day.  If your wife were bopping the neighbor that had a better mustache than you, how would you act at the office when someone spilled a cup of coffee on your lap?  Yeah, now imagine that you are wearing a handy utility belt that places various tools of pain, including a gun, within easy reach.  Yeah, always do as instructed by the cop, not necessarily to be polite and proper, but to save yourself a beating.

Note I said black, not a minority.  If you are a smear of darkness in a land of the light, then they are just chomping at the bit to clean the smudge of difference with their Windex in the form of a glock.  If you are say, white in Harlem, NY you don’t have as much to worry about from the police as a black man in say, Jasper, TX.  Yeah, the crack heads and gangstas will eat your wonder bread ass for breakfast, but we’re not talking about scary black people, we are talking about scary fuckers with a gun and a badge.  If you are Mexican and white cops stop you, they’ll just call you Jose and ask for landscaping tips.  If you are white and black cops stop you, unless they’re Uncle Tom, they’re going to triple check your ID to make sure you’re not hiding anything.  If you are a black person in Harlem and a white cop stops you, you better not even fart wrong unless you want to end up a statistic of accidental shootings.

     Look, I’m not saying all cops are villainous and eager to use violence.  Just 96.3% of them.  The rest are behind a desk.  So remember, DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THE COP TELLS YOU TO! The weapons they carry are scary yes, putting them behind a badge makes them worse.  The fact that they are imperfect human beings that make judgment calls that can mean life or death for you and I is a fucking nightmare.

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